True Lies or True Love? by Pam Pomo

The first time I attended a support group meeting, I listened to so many stories about elaborate "lies" people used to "manipulate" their Loved Ones.  I couldn't understand how they got past the guilt so easily and I couldn't imagine myself getting to that place.  How would I ever be able to do this to my mother?  It seemed so cold, especially as it related to upcoming issues:  Taking her car keys away, employing an aide or live-in caregiver, getting her into a day care program, and eventually, moving her to a new home.

Now I understand.  I wish I had known back then how possible and, ultimately, how necessary it would be to use creative solutions or "loving deceptions" not to manipulate but to ease Mom through the many difficult transitions in her life:  To protect her from the pain of knowing that she is losing her independence while, at the same time, preserving her dignity.

It has been six years since we began this journey together and my only qualifications for writing about this are my own experiences.  During this time I have had to be extremely creative in the way I have implemented changes in her life.  Through it all, loving deceptions have become my most important tool. 

Using them caused me a lot of anxiety and guilt, particularly in the beginning when Mom seemed more aware of and more anxious about her memory loss.  I found that if I "entered her world" it was easier for her and if I could incorporate some truth it was easier for me.

The adult day care issue, for instance:  In a million years my mother would never agree to go.  She saw people there as elderly, while she viewed herself as young and vital.  But she complained of loneliness and spoke of finding a volunteer job. She had already lost the ability to initiate this idea, so I used it for day care,and got her to go under the guise of volunteering to help other seniors in need.

Coincidentally, the program was located at the same hospital where Mom had worked as an RN for over 40 years. She had previously worked with the RN who headed up the day care program so this made it easier for me to introduce the whole idea.  When she questioned how I knew about the position, I was able to say "I talked to your friend Naomi.  You use to work with her at the hospital years ago and she said she'd be so happy to have you working with her again."

In this way I entered her world by appealing to her natural caregiving tendencies.  Once Mom thought she was going to a new job to help others, she went willingly.  Even the staff helped by playing along. They gave her a lab coat and small assignments as an "aide".  She proved to be quite an asset.  By using loving deception, I accomplished two things:  I provided her with a safe, social environment, and maintained her self esteem and sense of independence.  It was rewarding for both of us.

Today Mom lives in an assisted living facility.  She spends her day in the secured Alzheimer's unit "volunteering" as an aide.  She has a boyfriend who visited every weekend for 18 years when she was living in her own apartment.  He comes less frequently now, but when she asks "When do I see him?" I tell her she sees him every weekend.  It makes her happy to think so.

As caregivers we are the ones who really know the person for whom we are caring.  Different things work for different people. Whenever you're creating a scenario to help move your Loved One through a difficult time, consider everything:  Their likes, dislikes, hobbies, habits, places they've lived or traveled, previous jobs, even others who may have a better rapport with your Loved One than you and might be instrumental in helping implement your plan.  Be as creative as you can and try to anticipate the stumbling blocks. The thing about Alzheimer's:  If something doesn't work the first time, you'll always have another chance to try something else. It's not easy but it does get easier with time, as they deteriorate more and question less.

Now when I "lie" to Mom, it doesn't seem so cold anymore.  I no longer see myself as doing something to her.  Instead, I am doing something for her, by preserving her dignity, sparing her feelings and helping her transition through a very traumatic change in her life, whatever that may be.